- Presidential politics on a sex and porn blog?
- Donald Trump’s words exemplify a massive problem in our culture
- Using power to sexualize and harass women
- Oogling and objectifying women
- A three-step approach to overcoming objectification
I’ve got to be honest.
I had never fathomed in my wildest dreams that I would be talking about the presidential election.
Donald Trump has come up in every single one of my sessions and has come up in a couple of different places. I just want to share those with you and get your thoughts, without picking a side.
This isn’t a political podcast but we cannot ignore the fact that objectification and sexualization of women – treating them like things, like holes, treating them as not human beings – has been part of our development as men.
We’ve been trained to objectify women since we were children and that has an impact. So, I want to talk about the presidential election. In particular, I want to talk about comments that Donald Trump has made, things he’s alleged to have done. And, I want to share with you how that’s been coming up in my work with clients, both my one-on-one clients and my online group coaching program.
Trump and Objectification
Donald Trump’s been coming up in my work.
I’m blessed to be able to work with men who are blessed; men of means, men of power, men who have been in that one-up or who are in that one-up power dynamic, and here’s what some of these guys have said.
They said it was tough watching Donald Trump and it was tough for them to watch the words that he would say about,
“Grab them in the pussy. You can do whatever you want. You know, when you’ve got money you can grab them. You can grope them. You can kiss them and they won’t do anything.”
There’s some truth to that, guys.
Men of power exploit their power in order to obtain women.
A lot of my clients have said, “Goodness gracious. That reminds me of me.”
I’ve said those things.
I’ve blurred the consent boundaries.
I have sexually harassed people at work.
Fishing we call it.
Fishing – Make the comments and see who responds.
There’s the target. That’s the woman who’s going to be vulnerable, who’s most likely to give it up.
So, my clients and I, we were both on the same page because we have used our positions of authority to objectify, sexualize, and conquer women. So, it was really, really neat to see my clients say, “Wait a minute. This forced me to look in the mirror. It forced me to confront the attitudes that I have had towards women.”
In my job, I’d flirt with the secretaries when I was practicing law. I would flirt with the woman in the copy room. I would make sexual comments. I would try to take advantage of my position as a bigshot hot lawyer to sleep with secretaries.
I’m not proud of this, guys.
I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m bragging.
I get sick to my stomach thinking about how I treated human beings.
A number of my clients have said the same thing; that they have exploited their position of power for sexual gain.
Just think about the attitudes that you’ve had towards women and what pornography promotes. It is the private objectification of women; not treating them as human beings but seeing them as holes, literally, just holes for our pleasure.
What kind of man does that make you?
Do you feel good about yourself by thinking that way?
So, look back over the course of your life. Think back to college, think back to high school, think of the conversations that you may have had at your fraternity.
It is a problem in our society and we are seeing it in our face almost every day with what’s been coming out in the news.
So my clients are forced to look into this mirror and they don’t like what’s looking back at them. They said, “That’s not the man that I want to be.”
Now, I’ve had the opportunity – I’m not a doctor so I can’t diagnose – to work with a few men who were narcissistic.
We all have these narcissistic-ish like tendencies. I’ve worked with a couple of true narcissists, and those relationships never went well.
There’s something special about that population.
I think about what’s going on and I see what we’re hearing from someone running for office and it just sickens me because I know that guy!
I was that guy.
I don’t want him running my country.
I’m trying not to get political here. I know we lack choices. I know nobody’s happy.
All my life I have hoped to vote for a credible, non-institutional candidate. Someone from the outside who’s going to make things better. Brothers, sisters, I’m going institutional this time around because those words are enough for me.
I don’t believe he’s changed.
It brings up some interesting issues in our culture regarding the objectification of women.
These ladies are human beings.
That’s are someone’s mother or sister.
These are people.
I don’t care how hot they are.
You’re going to notice pretty people guys. Remember, we’ve talked about this. Your triggers are biologically hardwired. There’s no universe where you’re walking down the street and the three girls with the bikinis are walking across and you don’t notice. Just like you didn’t notice the street sign, you didn’t notice the fire hydrant.
What that reality does when you understand that your triggers are biologically hardwired is it allows you to fine tune yourself to recognize when that energy shifts. When you notice those three girls in my bikini example across the street, your energy shifts.
It’s what you do with that energy that matters.
Do you stay focused? Do you continue to objectify? Do you allow your mind to start wandering?
You know what goes on in your heads.
But you’re not your thoughts.
You’re what you do.
This is an incredible opportunity to give yourself a long, hard look in the mirror and to bring some safety and comfort to your partner. Use this as an opportunity to grow, to connect, to reflect on things that you’ve thought and things that you’ve said. Use this opportunity to grow, to get closer together.
Client Question on Objectification
I want to close by responding to a question that I recently got from a new client about oogling and objectifying.
Here’s what he said:
I struggle when I go out in public. I have a hard time not oogling and objectifying women, and it’s driving my wife crazy. What should I do?
I’m going to tell you exactly what I told Joe to do.
I have a three-pronged attack to help you not oogle and objectify. I’ll give you the brief sketch here. If you want to dig deep into this with me, sign up for The Mindful Habit program and let me help you.
Rule one: Don’t look for more than two seconds. Don’t look for more than two seconds. Now, what I used to do would be one, one thousaaaaaaaand, breathe, two, one thousaaaaaaaand, and then I’d look away and I’d look back. Right? One, one thousand, two. But it’s a start!
Rule two: Don’t look twice. Don’t look twice. You have no business. She didn’t give you permission. You don’t have consent to sexualize her. Just because she’s dressed a certain way does not give you that right. You do not have her consent to sexualize her whether that’s in a conversation face-to-face or 50 feet away.
Rule three: When you are triggered to objectify, you can anchor, or attach, a new habit to that objectification. Try to humanize that person. When that energy shifts, and you can develop such a powerful awareness around when that energy shifts, when you can be mindful of your habits, you can create a different outcome. Humanize this person. This is someone’s mother. This is someone’s sister. This is a human being. She may be struggling. She might have Crohn’s disease. She may have been objectified 50 times today and she’s feeling low. Her boyfriend’s addicted to porn. Wherever you decide to go with it, humanize the person you are wanting to objectify.
I never imagined that we’d be talking about presidential politics on a sex addiction and porn addiction podcast but it’s been coming up like crazy. So, like everything that comes up in my life I try to find the gift in it. There’s a powerful opportunity here with what’s going on in the news to reflect on who you are and who you want to be; who you love and love that person with everything you’ve got. If she’s insecure and if she’s unsafe, and even if she’s coming at you real rough, trust me guys, I know, it’s an opportunity to grow closer together.
It’s an opportunity to grow closer together and an opportunity to be a better version of you.
Listen to "What Are Your Habits Around Fear? And What To Do About It!" on Spreaker. Read an Edited Transcript of the Show: What I want to talk about today is the habits around fear. How is fear manifesting itself in your life? We all know we're afraid....
Can this non 12-Step approach to porn & sex addiction recovery from The Mindful Habit also work for those with drug & alcohol addictions?So, for the record, I’m not a sex or pornography addict. I’m not into hookers or sex chats or videos or anything really...
In this post, I interview Bill Herring, a clinical social worker with a private psychotherapy practice in Atlanta. In addition to providing general psychotherapy services, Bill is a specialist in treating noncriminal problematic sexual behaviors. He’s a former board...
In this episode of "Sex Addictions and Porn Afflictions," Craig Perra, certified professional coach and Founder of the "Mindful Habit to End Compulsive Behavior," walks you through the process of confronting and talking to that voice in your head -- your addict...
Highlights Craig reflects on news about Donald Trump’s payout to a porn star and a close friend’s arrest How low can our compulsive sexual behavior take us? What risks are we creating in our lives by continuing in our behavior? The Arrogance of the Sex Addict: Donald...
Highlight Craig interviews Joshua Shea, author of The Addiction Nobody Will Talk About Joshua was arrested for texting an underage girl and or possession of underage porn Unhealthy sexuality will take us to darker places than we ever imagine Busted for Sexting a Minor...
Highlights Sexual harassers come across as cocky and powerful. The principle of subpersonalities can help us see and understand the part of the harasser that acts in inappropriate ways. These different subpersonality of the sexual harasser usually feels insignificant...
Highlights The allegations against Harvey Weinstein include multiple accounts of sexual harassment, even sexual assault. Craig reflects on ways he has acted like Harvey Weinstein. This situation should force all men to look at our own behavior How have we violated...
Highlights Craig interviews Alison, a partner who left her sex-addicted husband. Describes her experience of being gaslighted by her husband. Through research, Alison found help with The Mindful Habit. Ultimately, she made the decision to leave her husband and is now...
Highlights We need labels that help us move beyond “sex addiction” and “porn addiction.” Other labels are important because “addiction” is limiting. Two important issues are intimacy and authenticity. Acknowledging the nature of your behavior is as important step...