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Welcome, everybody. My name is Craig Perra, and you are listening to. Sex afflictions and Porn addictions. This is a podcast to help you build, to create healthy sexuality and a great life and to sustain healthy sexuality and a great life because it’s all about sustainability. And today we’re going to talk about an important concept around sustainability for our brothers and sisters joining us live. Welcome. So glad you are here. And for those listening later on. I’m so glad you’re listening. So. Sustainability. One aspect of sustainability has to be you learning how to better react like full stop, how to better react when you get defensive, when you fail, when you make a mistake, when you do something wrong. When you experience failure. How you deal with stress. Anxiety. Also known as fear. Right. There is no universe in the future where you are not going to negatively react. And that’s not doom and gloom. I find that very inspiring because it tells me that using these techniques, I can always do better, right? Every time I negatively react like. Like. Like, think about it. Right. Every time you negatively react is an opportunity for you to learn and for you to grow and for you to understand yourself. In a much better way. Think about what meaning you are attaching to those failures. Is it a learning opportunity? Is it a opportunity for you to study, for you to dig in, for you to learn? Well, I propose it is.

So I’m going to share with you a DBP technique. Dialectical behavior therapy. Dialectical behavior therapy, interestingly enough, is one of the treatment modalities that has been proven to have some efficacy for men struggling with compulsive sexual behavior. Now, for those of you listening to this channel know, what does that mean? What kind of compulsive sexual behavior? But there have been studies and it’s also a technique of therapy for people struggling with borderline personality disorder. And that’s that’s a lifestyle. Reflecting on my journey. So. Whatever you’re doing right, you need a framework to react in the moment. And I’m going to share that framework with you today. And as you go through it, I’m going to use a non-sexual example. And while this podcast is about sex and porno addiction, why would you use a non-sexual example? Because the non-sexual ones are more important. The nonsexual ones are more important than the sexual ones because. Because those are the ones that produce the steamroller effect of those produce the loss of agency and control the moment where you go. But it’s not just, oh, look, you know, Boogie’s gotten you know, you lose your mind. Yes, there’s an in the moment physical trigger. But what’s pounding you and grinding you and wearing you down, it is the non sexual triggers. The shame, the not good enough. The fear, the stress, the anxiety. You get it. Okay, You get it. Life. Life. Life’s life’s life’s life. Life. Life. So rest. Stand for. Relax. Evaluate. Set an intention and take action. Let me read those to you again and you’ll find that. Well, I think you’ll find this. Well, wait, that’s so broad. That’s so general. Good. It should be broad. It should be general. Because it is giving you a framework to plug into with what works for you.

Because what works for me isn’t going to work for you, or it may not. So it’s a framework, so really important. I like that. So let me say that again. I mean, if anybody has any questions, you can put them in the chat and I’ll do my best to answer them. If not, maybe I’ll get them next time. Relax, evaluate, set an intention, take action. So let’s imagine. Let’s just get that over with. Right. That sexual trigger, you same pattern. Right. You realize everyone’s left the house. You heard the door shut. Boom. Energy shift in the body from positive to negative. I’m alone. Right. Triggering some kind of abandonment would. Boom. Energy shift in the body, right? You can see where. Okay, wait, relax, relax. All right. Evaluate what’s going on here. I just really what I need. We’re not going to go through it. The sexual one. But I just wanted to highlight that how easy you could apply this to the sexual one. But let’s talk about relax. Relax, obviously, is what it means to be in. But from a broader perspective, it’s what can you do in that moment to regulate your central nervous system, to relax so you could immediately acknowledge the negative thought? Or if you’re not judging your thoughts. Yeah, acknowledge the the the thought that says, hey, something’s going on, right? You snapped the elastic band on your wrist, your feed, the right wolf wristband, but you take a deep, deep, deep breath, engage your body in isometric flex or relax. You can go the opposite way, right? And if it’s really, really diving into your body, you do a forward fold. And there’s probably 50 other things that you can read about that might work for you that you can do to help you relax.

What can you do to create space between. That that trigger that thought even in action between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In that choice lies our growth and our freedom. So the example I want to use is getting defensive with my wife. A lot of brothers listening are in relationships and there is nobody who can push their buttons better than their partners. If you are not in a relationship, pick a situation where there is a power dynamic or a perceived power dynamic that could be a friend, that could be a boss. For us guys in relationships, we’re going to use our partners because it is very typical for men who lie that they perceive that they are the one down in that power dynamic, happy wife, happy life, whatever you say there, you know, whatever, whatever, whatever it may be. Many men don’t have an identity. They lost themselves. They don’t know who they are and they don’t know how to express that identity. And they’ve gotten lost. But anyway, so. So relax, relax, relax, relax. I’m going to use an example where my wife was asking me questions about a project that I’m working on that I have not completed, that I did not do what I said I was going to do, and I made a mistake. Even not only did I not do it, I was going to do, I made a mistake. I’m not going to get into the details. It’s no big deal is a business related thing. We’ve worked through it, but I want to share what was going on in my crazy head. So let me go through the steps and then we’ll then we’ll use an example.

So evaluate right what’s happening right now. Well, maybe I will use this example. Am I being judged right now? Is Michelle asking questions to hurt me? Does she want to attack me? Is is there any reason for me to react this way? Is there any reason to be getting this defensive? Am I am I under attack? Right. So evaluate its forces. You. I mean, listen, it speaks for itself. This isn’t rocket science, but you don’t need rocket science. We overcomplicate brothers and sisters. We over complicate, right? If you just focused on that reaction and kept making this better and better and better and better and better and better, not beating yourself up, you’d be on a profoundly different path, Profoundly there not being yourself a part is the is he? You know, it’s a tough part. But yet again, all habits all habits every time you self deprecate rest rest. Am I really a worthless piece of shit? No, I am not. Is this self-deprecation? Beating myself up. Going to make it better? No, it is not. Is the the literally abuse I’m shaming myself over because I failed and I slipped and I made a mistake and I hurt someone I love. Is that in my evaluation, going to increase the chance? I don’t do the thing again. No, it is not. It is going to increase the chance that you do the thing again. So relax. Relax. Whatever happened, happened. What can you do about it? That’s all we got. Brothers and sisters. That’s all we got. How can we respond at any given moment? What can we do? What can we do? And thank God there’s things that you can learn to help and rest is one of them. So the next one is to set an intention.

Right. What do I need right now? What is my goal in this communication at this moment? What do I want to accomplish? What problem might I need to solve? And again, you can go through this framework and think of 50 questions and three of them are really going to resonate for you. Set an intention right? And whatever it is, it doesn’t have to be the final thing. It’s just in the moment. What can you do in the moment to create a better outcome? You can relax. Easier said than done by what we talked about that. Evaluate. Set an intention. So you’re moving toward something instead of reacting away from something. And last, the T in rest is to take action. Take action. What are you going to do now? Sometimes I’ve learned that action is. Honey, I need a break. I like to call Time out. Let me grab a tissue. I need a breath. This is important that I answer your question right now. But I am feeling so overwhelmed. And it’s not you. It’s not me. Well, no, it’s all me. I mean, excuse me. It’s all me. I’m feeling so overwhelmed. May I have some space, please? Right. And that’s a tough one because Michelle wants to clarify and wants to explain and wants to. But brothers and sisters, some of us have capacity issues. Right. So you feel like you’re hitting your head up against a rock and it’s not breaking through. Well, let’s go around the rock. Let’s do something else. So? So. And there are worksheets you can download online. Just search, DBT, rest, worksheets, PDF. You’ll find some good ones. But let’s walk through an example together, shall we? So and so the exercises take a rest and I’m going to share with you some questions from chapter one Basic distress, Tolerance skills.

We are working through a basic distress, tolerance skill. How we can do a better job, not reacting initially. I like to say it’s first, not making things worse, then it’s creating a positive outcome. Okay, so let’s go through it all. I want a better oh, here’s a better example. Let me be vulnerable here. I have a part that feels like such a failure when I share these things with you. I threw a folder full of papers. I come from an insurance background. I was assistant general counsel at an insurance company. That’s a great role for an attorney. I ran a compliance department practice insurance law for many, many years, and it was my job to get the insurance coverage for the mindful habit. I failed miserably in that regard. But this isn’t that. That’s relevant because I felt really bad about myself for not in my eyes and crossing my fingers and missing something and not purchasing a piece of coverage. That was important anyway. Just business stuff, right? And so But I fixed it. I fixed the problem. Got everything is perfect. We’re really happy. Our agent understands our business. We really connected. It was a great conversation. I really feel the premium is three times as much. Like, wait a minute. Like, like three times. Three times. Not not one time. Not two times. Three times. Michele, of course, who handles the money, is asking some questions. Normal questions. Question that it is her role to ask. That’s exactly why she does what she does and why I do what I do. She was outside the room in a fit of frustration. I threw the papers and said, I am such a stupid idiot now. Now that’s my trigger, right? That’s the ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Danger, Will Robinson. Danger. Hold on. Regroup, regroup. Hold up. Hold up. Honey, I am so sorry. I am really frustrated that I made a mistake and let me clean this up. And let’s thank you for your help. Let’s go through this together. Give me a second. I know it was like I was able to put most of the toothpaste back in the bottle. So that’s what happened in the distressing situation. How did I feel? I felt like a worthless piece of crap. That’s not true. I’ve done a heck of a lot of work on myself. I know that’s not true. But in that moment, that mistake, in that context, feeling down already from from from a client passed away. And something else. And something else. And something else. And that’s what I felt like. I felt like I had let her down and I made a mistake. And what did I do? I reacted. I raised my voice. I threw the folder. Now, let me bring some parks. Work into this, too, because I think the parks were What part was awakened? Well, that’s P.O.S.. But that’s the part that could never make mommy happy. That’s the part that was never good enough. That’s the part that was punished for failure. So remember, each of our parts has an origin story. Why am I reacting like that in the moment? Oops. Made a mistake. Look tricked. It took a day. So. So. So this. This. This worksheet, right? What happened in the situation? How did you feel? What did you do? Did you engage in any self-destructive behavior? If so, yes. What were they throwing? Something, Raising my voice. I don’t ever want to do those things. Okay, now we go to the rest, right? How could I have relaxed in this situation as soon as I realized that I had made the mistake? As soon as I look down.

And so I got. I realize the mistake. And I got the questions coming over here with Johnnie Cochran, my wife. That’s how I feel. That’s not what she was. She had a nice tone. She was pleasant. She was normal. Okay. I’m the crazy one here. Let’s not forget that. I mean that in a blessed way and a positive way, learning from my challenges. And so as soon as I felt that, that’s when I should have said, Oh, my gosh, hold on a second. Wait, Let me let me hold on one second. Hold on one second. Let me let me process this. Let me let me let me take a breath here. You know, I think I. Oops. This is why you pay attention to the detail. I only took this on because I had an insurance background. That’s normally something Michel would handle. So if I had done an evaluation, what would I have discovered? Right. So now I’m going back and using rest to evaluate my reaction. Use rest to evaluate your reaction. Find the reaction that you have. And if you had done an evaluation, what would you have discovered? This was a simple problem to fix. The biggest damage that was done with the my self-esteem. I felt really bad about myself. If I set an intention, what would it have been? To create some space, to create a moment so I could compose myself, so I could be a mature, professional, competent partner and husband to my wife and not react like a little child. It’s all right. That’s what I could have done. Well, what if you would have taken action in this situation? What might have happened? Well, everything would have been fine. I would have fixed the problem quicker and wouldn’t have activated my central nervous system and felt bad about myself.

Last but not least. What would the overall advantages have been if you had used the rest strategy? Well, I would have lost an example to share with you here, but I would have not upset Michelle and I would have gotten quicker to the solution without the negative reaction. So in conclusion, the rest technique can be a powerful tool to help you get better and better and better at responding in the moment. That must be part of your system. Emotional Regulation. Physical regulation. Responding to triggers. It must, it must. It must be must. Part of your system must include a constant, a framework where you are evaluating your reactions and getting better. Your reactions and the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew Mackay can be a very helpful tool, and to you cultivating those skill sets, you can find some worksheets online for the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. And and and if you want to arrive at a place in your life where you are ready to take action and do something about it, I recommend my core training program. If you used a coupon code podcast, you get I think it’s 36% off. Okay, It’s the biggest discount that we offer now. We like to reward the people who watch our podcast, and the people who watch your podcast are great clients because they connect. And that connection is critically important to getting results. It’s called the Therapeutic Alliance and it also applies in coaching too. So we definitely want to make it easier for our awesome podcast fans and friends to get into the program if you need it. Okay, so use a coupon code podcast, you can go to the website www.themindfulhabit.com Click on the self study program.

It is a misnomer. It’s not a self study program. There is a weekly webinar with access to me. All right. So if you need help, get it. And remember man, embrace your power of choice. Feed the right wolf inside you and continue to get better and better and better at reacting. And you will find your life will continue to get better and better and better, the better you are at reacting, controlling your and creating positive outcomes. A.K.A owning your stuff by everybody.