Backpage has ended it’s Protitution page
Compulsive Sexual Behavior is a hobby
By treating our addiction as a hobby, we can identify the positive aspects of our behavior
Our negative behavior is a function of our unmet needs
Creating new hobbies that help us meet those unmet needs is critical to our success
Podcast Transcription (edited)
Since Backpage has recently ended its prostitution page, I wanted to spend some time talking about hobbies. Yes, there is a connection here.
There was a time when my hobby was getting prostitutes and then writing about it.
Except, I never wrote about it.
I never talked about it.
I was always too afraid to do that, in spite of the incredible risks that I would take by going into a hotel, with a strange person, in a shitty part of town with money in my pocket.
Sexually compulsive behavior was my hobby.
In The Mindful Habit Program, we hit six key areas:
There was a period of time where I was ‘putting Humpty Dumpty together’ and I thought to myself, “You know what? I don’t know if these guys need to be talking about hobbies. You know, their lives are falling apart. They are in crisis.”
I had thought about deleting that section.
Today, I’m glad I didn’t.
I have seen so many instances of men finding their sobriety, sanity, and success and one of things that helped change them is engaging in a hobby other their their sexual behavior. Sobriety, sanity, and success through the discovery of new hobbies is the key. Yoga is mine. Yoga is my life. Yoga hits mindfulness. So, I get a great hobby because my new hobby hits a whole bunch of different areas. It hits my spirituality need. I go to yoga. That’s like church for me.
My Old Hobby
If you’re reading this blog, chances are that compulsive sexual behavior is/was your hobby.It was my hobby. I would spend hours and hours a day flipping through the ads, sending a text message, not sending a text message, calling, hanging up, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking for the unicorn, like that one.
I called it fishing.
It’s fishing because the intention was to throw it back, not catch anything – not actually engage. Not catch and keep.
In other words, I was not actually going to see a prostitute. I was not actually going to pay for sex. I was not really going to cheat on my wife.
I was just fishing.
And I convinced myself that that was ok.
Shift the Energy
If you’re part of The Mindful Habit System you know that your compulsive behaviors are numbing, coping, and escaping. That’s when you know you have a problem – when your porn or when your sex is for numbing, coping, and escaping, you need to shift your energy.
But how can you shift this energy?
If your hobby was browsing Craigslist or Backpage, I just want you to reflect on the positive attributes of looking through the escort ads. That’s a way that I like to approach compulsive behavior. All of your negative behavior is a function of unmet needs.
We need to look at your negative behavior and ask, ‘what unmet need were you trying to address?’ Go someplace else if you need someone to demonize your behavior. If you’re looking for someone to say things like, “That’s bad, man. You know what you’re doing is bad, man. That’s wrong.”
That’s mom and dad scolding a child.
I want you to elevate your intellectual horsepower.
I want you to elevate your connection to yourself.
I want you to play mental, physical, and spiritual chess.
If you instantly demonize that behavior, you’re going to lose an awful lot of important data that will help you radically change your life, because all of your negative behavior is a function of your unmet needs.
What’s the Unmet Need?
So, why are you looking for prostitutes?
Why do you spend hours going through, just flipping, flipping, flipping?
I know that there were times in my life that I spent on this website just looking.
Maybe I should call. Maybe I shouldn’t call. Let me save it for later. Open it in a new screen. We’ve all got our routines.
Some of you are doing your fishing with porn.
Looking, looking, looking, looking – edging, edging, edging.
Since all of your negative behavior is a function of your unmet needs, you have to figure out what unmet needs that behavior was meeting for you.
Did It made you feel special when they texted you back? For so many of my men who are seeing prostitutes, it isn’t the sex. That’s a big part of it, but it is the significance that they’re looking for.
Significance is by far the overwhelming driver. The need for significance is the overwhelming driver in every man that I work with that sees prostitutes, including yours truly.
I’ve told the story about the beer numerous times. When I walked into the room and there were two beers sitting on the table. I had seen this prostitute before, but I know they don’t drink with their customers, so this was kind of an aberration. Why is this beer here? My mind is racing until I finally asked the question, “Oh, what’s this for?” She says, “Oh, I got it for you.”
That gesture made me feel so special! I felt so significant. I must be different than the other people that she’s seen. Those other guys. Uh! Those are fucking perverts. That’s not me. I’m not like one of them. I felt special. I felt significant!
Whether you are looking at escorts or porn, you’re spending hours fishing, looking – numbing, coping, and escaping. Your mind is saying maybe today you’ll find THAT picture, THAT video, THAT girl who is really going to do it for you. Your mind is waiting for that. Your addict mind is waiting for that to happen.
Waiting for something to meet that unmet need.
You Need A New Hobby
If you don’t find a new hobby, you will not achieve long-term success in keeping the addiction at bay. It’s critical!
Because to break a habit you have to make a habit!
As you’re looking for a hobby, you need to think about your behavior from a positive perspective. You need to look at it from a positive place so you can discover the positive attributes of this behavior.
What are my unmet needs?
What needs are being met by this behavior?
Answer those questions, then you can do something about it. This is so important because to break a habit you have to make a habit. Your success in not doing the thing is a function of you doing something else.
The next time you start reaching for your phone, or your tablet, or your computer – getting ready to start your fishing trip for escorts, stop!
Stop, and take ten deep breaths.
Reflect on what you could be doing that will make your life better.
It’s going to help you and empower you to be the best version of you.
Life is way too short to suck. Do something positive!
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