2 Reasons Sex/Porn Addicts Need to Banish Shame Forever

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Today, I want to talk about shame. Shame is such a powerful topic. It makes our lives so much worse and it doesn’t have to be. And I want to share with you today, two reasons why shame is making your life worse and actually keeping you stuck, numbing, coping, and escaping. So I want to talk about why it’s making your life worse and how it’s actually keeping you stuck, numbing, coping and escaping.

Before I do, I want to talk about fear and I want to tell you a little story. So I am now broadcasting on Twitch. My Twitch name is the Mindful Habit Coach, Mindful Habit Coach. I like the concept it creates, there’s a way for engagement that I don’t have any place else. And I’m going to Twitch under a broader umbrella, not sex and porn addiction, although we’ll be covering sex and porn addiction. I want to work with people with bad habits. I want to spread this message to people who are struggling with any form of compulsive behavior, almost addicts, and addicts.

And the reason for that is because of the nature of sex and porn addiction, there’s very little engagement. People aren’t reaching out and saying, “Hey, here’s my sex addiction problem.” But people will reach out and say, “Hey, I’m addicted to my negative thinking.” So we’re going to be having those conversations there, but that’s not what I’m talking about.

So I was watching my Twitch stream. Now I’ve been doing this for a while. I’ve been podcasting and making videos for eight years now, almost eight years now. And it’s been a while since I stopped and watched myself. So, as I’m making these Twitch streams, you’re able to create highlights. So you take a podcast like this and you can chop it up into little itty bitty highlights. So I’m watching those highlights, and what I see mortifies me, literally, literally mortifies me. I’m rocking back and forth. My eyes are rolling up into all these weird places at weird times. I look like I have a neurological condition. I’m thinking to myself, “How the fuck? No one has told me this.”

Now my wife has of course given me feedback on delivery, but I ignored that and projected control onto her. So a lesson there. And it just was like, why the fuck didn’t anybody tell me I looked ridiculous. I looked ridiculous. And in that moment, a deep sense of shame washed over me. We’re going to talk about shame, but just this profound feeling of not being good enough. Now, if you’re watching this broadcast on YouTube or someplace else, you’ll notice I’m paying very careful attention to most of my movements. It’s very difficult to manage my hands, but I’m working on the body.

And listen, where that came from is even more shame, even more feelings of not good enough. I believe that I’ve done permanent neurological damage to my body when I was addicted to bath salts. Yeah, the guy who ate the face, people going crazy. I read an article about how bad bath salts were for you. And ex-head of the DEA says it’s worse than meth, coke and PCB combined. And I thought to myself, “Fuck the man. That sounds like a great idea.”

And here I am an executive at a billion dollar company, just move my family cross country, and was in a job that I did not like. And that I was not prepared for. And things are slowly downward spiraling out of control, and then come bath salts. And that dramatically accelerated the downward spiral. It was only a matter of weeks before I was drooling, psychotic, seeing things. I needed immediate medical care, which I got. And hey, that brought me here.

But it was looking at myself and watching myself, and feeling that sense of shame and feeling that really fear, really fear. And what that fear was, that fear of not being good enough, fear of not being liked. And so let me just give you a sense of how you manage that with The Mindful Habit System. Just part of it, just part … I want to talk about the part, the part. A part of me woke up in that moment and that part of me, I know well. That part of me is not good enough. That part of me, the training around that part of me, started when I was very, very, very young.

The abuse, the bullshit, the sexual stuff, the pressure, this not good enough and the numbing, coping and escaping that came from not good enough, started in my childhood. And that part of me, we call a sub personality. There’s a part of me that feels not good enough. And in The Mindful Habit System, you will learn in a very detailed, practical way, who that part of you is, where that part of you came from, and what that part of you needs.

The reason for that is, listen, I’ve done decades of intensive work on myself. I’ve done EMDR, I’ve done psychotherapy, I’ve done different kinds of therapy. I’ve done all the work that I’ve created for me, and this part still woke up after I was watching myself and seeing someone who was just broken and acting like an idiot, like a fool. And that sense of shame and feeling of not being good enough that came with it.

That’s the illusion I think a lot of people have about therapy. I did. And the illusion is that if you do enough work, that part of you stays dormant forever. Maybe that’s true, but that hasn’t been my case yet. So I assume that that part of me is going to wake up, that not good enough part of me is going to wake up. In fact, it’s the human condition. You don’t want to get rid of that part, because that part drives you, that part pushes you. The challenge is learning to leverage that part and so you’re pushed in a healthy, constructive way. So that’s why you need to repurpose your broken part.

So as you’re listening to this podcast, I invite you to think about your parts. Maybe there’s an angry part. Maybe there’s an addict part. Maybe there’s a part that doesn’t feel good enough. Maybe there’s a piece of shit part. Maybe there’s a fuck-up part. Maybe there’s a shame part. So just as you reflect on that part, think about who that part of you is. What does that part of you look like? You can actually visualize them, sometimes it’s easy to see what they look like. Where did that part of you come from? And last but not least, what does that part of you need?

Because I know that answer. I know that part of me, that feelings of insignificance and not being good enough and just disgust over my performance in that broadcast, I didn’t get sucked into the undertow. I know how to manage that part, I know that part of me is going to show up. In fact, that part of me is now on my team. He’s now an asset, instead of being a liability. That internal critic, I need that internal critic. I drive to deliver excellence in everything that I do. I need that critic to tell me when I’m off, when I can do better, how can I be more effective. So I’ve repurposed the critic. And I invite you to think about how you can repurpose your internal critic to help you create a great life.

Speaking of critics, I want to talk about shame. Before we dive deep into shame, if you’re not driving, just close your eyes right now. Join me in this little guided visualization. Close your eyes right now, take a nice, big, deep breath. Feel the air enter your nostrils. Feel your chest expand, and feel that release when you do with that each exhale. With each exhale release as much tension as you can. Tension in your face, your neck, your shoulders, your pecs, your arms, your fingers, just release it all.

And think about the worst thing that you’ve ever done. Think about that event that is your most shameful moment. Think about how you feel right now. Don’t worry, we’re going to do something with it. I’m not going to leave you here. Just when you think of that shameful part of you, if shame was a sub personality, if shame was a part of you, which, if you’re listening to this podcast, it very well likely is, what does he look like? What does shame boy look like?

Now, shame is a very powerful emotion, but there’s two things about shame that I want to share with you to help you evolve this part of you. Because here’s the reality. Shame, if you interview shame, “Hey, shame. Why do you keep feeling this way? Why, when we think of that event, do you feel so low and so disgusting and say those things?” Shame is going to say, “Because I want to make goddamn sure that doesn’t happen again. I want to make sure you know how shitty you feel, so you don’t do that thing again.”

Shame is trying to serve a purpose. Shame is a compliance mechanism, it’s trying to drive a result. You being a good boy, you being a good boy. So but here’s the problem with it, is it doesn’t work. It’s a reflection of how you feel about yourself and it makes things worse. And please, tell me if you agree or disagree. Shame makes things worse. And you need to evolve that part of you. Guilt’s okay. Okay, guilt is okay. You make a mistake, you want to do better. But when you start beating yourself up, when you start shitting all over yourself, that only increases the chance that you’re going to need to numb, cope and escape the way you’ve likely done for decades.

And when you’re in that shameful space, and now think about the thoughts that you say to yourself when you’re in that shameful place, what is the MP3 talk track in your head around shame? Probably really negative and probably something that you trained yourself to numb, cope and escape from. It increases the chances that you are going to succumb. It increases the chances that you are going to act out, that you are going to lose control. Forget about act out. I like to … What is it? You’re going to use your behaviors to cope, to numb, to escape. Shame increases the chances that you are going to numb, cope and escape. It is a broken compliance mechanism, and it is a reflection of how you feel about yourself.

So I want you to think about that shameful part. I want you to bask in it. Let it come, what a piece of shit you are and how bad you are and how you can’t get it right. And you’re always going to be a failure, and you’re never going to be successful. And this is just who you are. Accept it. I invite you and I challenge you to love your shame. Love every cell in your body. Love each space between every cell in your body. And so much of The Mindful Habit System is teaching men and women, we work with partners too, to systemically operationalize love for self. Because when the system is being fueled by love for self and purpose, great things happen. You don’t numb, cope and escape in unhealthy, destructive ways. To break a habit you have to make a habit. You’ve made the right habits that meet the needs, to meet your needs, in a healthy, constructive way.

So I invite you to love your shame. And dance with that, play with that concept, say it in your head over and over and over again. Notice the reaction. Pay attention to the reaction, pay attention to the automatic instantaneous thoughts in your head when you shame, I love you. I love every aspect of me. I love the part that feels so low and so disgusting. I love that part, because I know where that part of me came from. That part of me, shame was born in pain and trauma, and a bunch of it goes back to my childhood. I can’t beat up that part of me. I can’t punish that part of me. That’s what brought me here. That’s what brought me to that dark place. I’ve learned and I know that I need to love honor, respect, nurture, and love, I said it twice. Love that part of me, and I invite you to love your shame. And of course, note the resistance to you loving your shameful part.

So thank you so much for listening. Let’s see, a couple of announcements before we wrap up. I am still offering my 80% discount on my self-study program. Normally it’s $499 for the same lessons I teach my one-on-one clients, for the same workbook. If you’re getting therapy, if you’re going to meetings, if you’re doing something else and for whatever reasons aren’t in my program, please get the self-study program. It’ll help you learn these lessons that have brought me to this place. You’re listening to me, it’s not me. It’s the system.

It’s the system, so you get that system for $99. The coupon code is COVID. So if you go to the website, themindfulhabit.com, go to the self-study section and to the coupon COVID, you’ll get 80% off my self-study program. Any questions or challenges, email support@themindfulhabit.com. And if you need serious help fast, and you’re willing to make an investment in yourself, call the number on my website. I’ll give it to you now. One, eight, seven, seven, seven, six, nine, three, seven, nine, zero. And that’s an opportunity to schedule some time with me so I can give you some information about my group coaching program, but only if you’re really serious and you need help now.

Thank you so much for listening. Remember, embrace your power of choice and don’t forget to feed the right wolf inside you always, because you deserve it. Thank you for listening.

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