In my interview with Sandy we talked about the day she discovered her husband had problematic sexual behavior patterns. She and her husband were driving and he handed her his phone to talk to his sister; timing worked out just perfectly that right as she hung up with his sister, she saw an email come on his phone from something called Forbidden Fruit. Sandy discovered the crushing truth in that instance that her husband was having an affair.
She of course confronted him, asked who the woman was and he didn’t answer, then he lied. When they finally arrived at their destination he confessed to having two online affairs. However, later she found out there were more than that, then he confessed to two physical affairs. Sandy’s husband went into a six-week treatment program.
I had to stop Sandy and ask her how it felt to discover these betrayals. She was completely blind-sided. Although the couple had had intimacy problems and had been in counseling for almost over two years for it, Sandy never saw an affair let alone multiple affairs in the realm of possibilities.
This is where I implore guys to come clean; you can stop hiding the phone, being anxious and freaking out all the time, wondering if she knows or suspects. Be honest with your partner and let it out in the open so you don’t make yourself sick anymore and don’t drag out your partner’s misery any more than you already have.
Sandy noted that her husband had stopped doing all of the activities that he previously had a passion for. He was glued to his computer and phone, constantly messaging the women he was having affairs with. He stopped playing guitar and gave up his musical hobbies entirely. Her husband had completely disengaged from everything else in his life including his relationship with his wife.
Sandy repeatedly asked her husband to tell her what she was doing wrong, how could she change, what did he want from, why didn’t he have desire for her. But Sandy’s husband didn’t desire anyone anymore; he had lost complete control of not only his actions, but also his sexual desire.
But Sandy knew he was making comments about other women, inappropriate jokes, and crossing the line right in front of her. His only other comment to her is that he resented her for the time she had spent working on her Master’s degree.
Like a lot of partners of sex addicts, Sandy typified the shock of a woman in denial followed by quick recognition that there had been signs all along. Once the dust settled, she realized she should have seen it and now everything made perfect sense. Sandy also said that she felt relief in knowing the truth and that she was not in control of her partner’s actions nor responsible for his behavior.
Sandy’s partner violated every boundary and rule they set together through counseling, lied and hid things from her.
I asked Sandy if she was lonely throughout all of this; of course she was, and devastatingly so. Can you imagine your beautiful partner sitting right next to you in bed, feeling completely alone and disconnected from you while you’re on your laptop with your phone in hand.
Sandy shared how unwanted she felt when he never looked at her, so she started changing in the closet just to avoid feeling the rejection and avoidance. Sandy’s pain was astoundingly great. Finally enough was enough and after thirty-four years of romantic involvement, it was all over- and this ending had manifested some of Sandy’s worst fears and most painful moments to experience as a woman.