By Coach Adrian
Did you ever think about why we create relationships with certain types of people? I mean, romantic relationships, friendships, etc… those relationships that are really meaningful in our life.
Many of us struggle with this area so I wanted to write this short blog post to sum up my own experiences and discoveries.
We create our relationships based on our childhood memories – our first important relationship is with our mother and father. It starts to form very early, and we create a pattern of relating based on our father and mother relationship. This is how we will relate unconsciously to other males and females in the future. So essentially, our relationships are habits, deeply rooted in our programming – so much of it installed during our childhood.
We re-enact memories or feelings connected with that relationship (like love and safety or fear and abandonment). So for example, if someone has abandonment issues (an orphan or kid of emotionally distant parents), there’s a big chance he will form a relationship with a person that will not be very compatible with him, or he will sabotage it – so he will end up feeling abandoned and rejected. Do you see how your early-childhood patterns affect your life?
The good thing is, that we can break that cycle by starting to become conscious about those things, and willingly trying to create different relationships with people around us. The thing is, that both parties have to be interested in creating something different in their lives.
This discovery was very big thing for me in my life, because I couldn’t understand why my relationships are always falling apart. What’s happening there? But then it hit me. I was feeling discomfort with people that I had a chance to feel fully accepted and safe. I sabotaged. I ended up in relationships that couldn’t possibly work.
The second thing is, that our partners also have their own patterns to deal with. Women engaging in relationships with addicts often want to hide their own issues behind our problem, be in a role of life-saver etc.
What’s very interesting is that we’re not doing it consciously or willingly. I remember reading about a psychological experiment when people that didn’t know each other had to form groups. Then they had to discuss they family background. What happened is that everybody in the same group had the same main motive – there was a group of orphans and people having abandonment issues, there was a group that had aggressive father and mother, and so on …
These people didn’t know each other, but just after seeing themselves and each other, they somehow felt the connection. That’s how we fall in love too. We seek people that resonate with us, with our needs and patterns.
We’re like puzzles. So for those who are alone – try to be best version of yourself, than you will attract people that are healthy and that will create good relationships with you.