IFS and 6F’s Getting to Know a Part You Hate


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Welcome to Sex Afflictions and Porn Addictions. I am your host Craig Perra, the founder of the Mindful Habit System. You can find me on the web at www.TheMindfulHabit.com, and this is a broadcast to help you create healthy sexuality and a great life. You may have heard me say in other shows that I’ve done, sobriety is 20% of the solution. So I am coming to you from a very, very special place. Not physically. I’m coming at you from my office.

But I just completed the first round of my IFS training. IFS stands for Internal Family Systems. If you do not know what the IFS model is, I implore you to research Richard Schwartz. If you have the means to get an Internal Family Systems therapist, if you’re not working with me, if you’re not a member of one of my programs, it is very important to know this model. This model, I believe, is changing psychology. And we’re going to talk about an important part of this model today, because in this broadcast, I am going to teach you how to kill, how to destroy, how to terminate your addict part once and for all.

Now, for those of you who know me, hopefully you know where this is going. For those of you that don’t, I’m excited to take you on this journey. You can look up the Internal Family Systems. They have a website, the IFS Institute. You can ask your therapist if he or she has experienced in this model. This model will change the way you think about your compulsive sexual behavior. Rob and Jewel, what’s up? Saying hi to my friends who are joining me live. And if, by the way, you want to join me live on these broadcasts, you can subscribe to me at YouTube, Facebook, Twitch, LinkedIn, and Twitter, and you’ll get notifications of when I get live, and you can join me. We’ve actually had someone for the first time, join me in one of these broadcasts.

But let’s get back to killing, and destroying, and crushing. Give me some other words. What do you want to do to this part of you that has ruined your life? What do you want to do to this part of you that is responsible for the lying to your partner? That’s responsible for your ability to compartmentalize and keep these secrets? And you know what you do when you keep those secrets, right? You know what this addict part does. You know what this addict part thinks. You know how this addict part feels. You know how this addict part has impacted your life. Let’s assess. Let’s assess. Some of you, this addict part has brought you to your knees emotionally and physically. It may have exposed you to disease if you were acting out physically. It certainly sucked the life out of you in terms of your self esteem. How do you feel about that part of you?

And so what we’re going to do, we’re going to explore how you feel about that part of you. And we’re going to do a little meditation on this addict part of you. But for now, to close your eyes, if you’re not driving … And this isn’t therapy. You’re listening to some guy on the internet giving you some advice. If this conflicts with any of your belief systems, or you don’t find helpful, or is making you upset, don’t do it. Don’t do it. What I want to do now is I want to explore how you feel towards this addict part of yourself. I want you to focus on it.

I want you to maybe journal the words that come up when you reflect on this addict part. This addict part has brought me to my knees. This addict part drove me to try to un alive myself. One moderately serious threat, one … They’re all serious. It has almost gotten me arrested. It has led to me being fired from two jobs. What about you? How do you feel towards this addict part of you? When you close your eyes … Now I know my brother’s listening, and in the chat, they know where this is going. So I’m glad. I’m glad.

And you know where you came from, and you know there was a point in your life where some of the advice that I think that you know that I’m going to get to in a few minutes was preposterous. Preposterous. This addict, Jewel in the chat, destroyed his wife. Oh yeah. We forgot to … Silly me. This addict part was so upsetting to my wife, she’d lost feeling in her limbs. She was physically ill multiple times with this evil, dark, dirty, disgusting … Right? Give me some of the words. Let’s describe this addict part of you together. Dirty, disgusting. This isn’t a word, but this is a gesture. Oh God, I feel that right in my stomach. That’s how disgusted about myself I felt. Just like spitting on garbage.

So for many of us, certainly just about everybody who isn’t exposed to the IFS model and parts work, hate this part of themselves. And the system in which you are seeking help in healing may be disease-ifying this part of you. This part of you, the addict part of you is the source of the disease. What do we do with disease? We kill disease. We eradicate disease. So think about how you feel about this dirty, lost, scared … I’ll add the word, pathetic, anxious, part of you that robs you of agency and control, that robs you of peace, that robs you of healthy sexuality, that robs you of honesty, that robs you of self-esteem? What does this part look like? If you were to think about this part and picture this part, what does this part look like? How do you feel about your addict part?

Now, let’s look at this complicated problem from the perspective of this part of you that you’ve labeled diseased, this part of you that you hate, this part of you that you want to kill, this part of you that you want to destroy. Let’s pretend that we can talk to this part of you. We’re going to talk to my addict part of you now. We’re going to talk to my addict part maybe years ago. I’ll do my best to recreate that conversation. And I’m going to be honest. I’m going to be blunt. I’m going to use the words that come to mind. There is a great chance that some of that language, if I don’t censor it, is going to be highly offensive.

Addict, what do you want me to know about you? That Craig’s life is going to fucking suck without me. This treatment is bullshit. This therapy is bullshit. Everyone’s out there trying to rob me of my fun, trying to keep me from doing what I’ve been doing since he was a child. You know what I do? I am responsible to give Craig the reward that he works so hard for. I am responsible for helping Craig numb, cope, and escape from some pretty fucked up shit, might I add. I have been doing this job since he was a child, since he was abused, since he first discovered boobies and butts, finding that magazine. I’ve been there since the beginning. I make his life better. I enable him to have fun. I give him a sense of agency and control.

Okay, addict. Wow. That’s a lot. That’s a lot. So you are trying to help. Before we get to that, how do other parts feel about you, addict? How other parts feel about me? They fucking hate me. They think I am a worthless piece of shit. They hate me. They’re disgusted by me. And yeah, I do some things that we’re not proud of, but let’s face it. He’s having fun in the end. This is who he really is. I am trying to help. I am trying to help. If I don’t help, he’s going to suffer. If I don’t numb, cope, and escape, he’s going to have to feel. If I don’t engage in these behaviors, he’s not going to have any fun. He’s working 13, 14 hour days. He’s overweight. He eats like shit. He doesn’t take care of his body. He’s certainly not doing anything fun with his family. He’s exhausted when he gets home. I give him the escape. All this behavior, this is called Six Flags for grownups. Okay? Back off. Let us have our fun.

Well, addict, I get your desire to have fun, but let’s … This is really messing up his relationship. He’s feeling terrible about himself. Screw the relationship. We can keep it secret. We’ve been down this path before. We’ll say we’re sorry. We’ll say we won’t do it again. But we will. But we will. So, addict, it’s fair to say that you feel that you have a healthy job … that you have a job, and your job is helping Craig numb, cope, and escape, helping him manage trauma, and helping him have fun. Have fun. That sounds like a very important job, addict. Now, without any judgment, because we came here to kill you and destroy you, before we do that though, I want to understand a little bit about how you, addict, were trained. When did you start performing this job?

Oh, you mean literally one of the oldest habits that exist in Craig’s body? I have been helping him escape and feel pleasure, and not pain. Do you remember when we were touched by that older neighborhood boy, and we felt so much shame, but it was so pleasurable, and it was such an escape from what was going on at home? And there’s certain things that we don’t talk about on this podcast. Only clients get to hear some of that stuff that was going on at home. But let’s acknowledge that, that was fucking horrible. And do you remember being able to go over to this boy’s house and be free, and play pool, and swim in his pool, and play on the Apple computers, and Wolfenstein, and do all those fun things, and we weren’t home? We had this escape.

I gave him that escape. I gave him that freedom. I’m addict talking now. I gave him that sense of autonomy. I gave him that pleasure that helped him escape from the shit that he was going through. And goddammit, I’ve been doing this job since he was a child. I’ve been trying to help Craig, that sweet, innocent, confused boy. Where were you? I’ve been helping him. I was there. All you did was try to shame me. All you did was try to beat me up. All you did was try to kill me and destroy me. And every time you did, you made me stronger. We didn’t realize it at the time, but you’re … in the future state, you’re going to learn a powerful, psychological, mantra rule, science, that what you resist, persists. That what you resist persists.

So, me, addict, Craig’s addict, I took on this job to make him feel safe. I gave him this tiny sliver of life where he didn’t have to do anything. He didn’t have to perform like a circus monkey for accolades. I didn’t condition his value on how he performed and the task that he accomplished. I didn’t do that to him. I protected him. I made him feel safe. I was there at the beginning of the pain and the trauma. And I have been protecting Craig since he was a child, me, addict, the one that you want to kill, the one that you want to destroy, the one that you want to kill and destroy. That’s what you want to do? That’s what you want to do to me? You want to punish me? You want to abuse me? You want to say that I’m the disease? You’re the disease. You’re the disease.

I made him feel safe. I am a protector. I am addict. I am a protector. I’m helping Craig, and I’m helping men all over the world have a sense of autonomy, a sense of control and escape, fun, chemicals, dopamine, oxytocin, all the other chemicals releasing in the brain some feel good, some escape, some pleasure, something to help all these poor men suffering and feeling shame. Yet, you hate me. Yet, you want to destroy me?

Wow, addict. Whoa. So wait a minute. Let me get this straight, addict. You’re telling me that in this IFS model business that we’re learning about, that I’ve been teaching for years, and am now formally being trained, this addict part is what is called … So the addict part, the part responsible for the hell, the part responsible for the out of the control, the part responsible for the suffering, the shame, the late night porn binges, responsible for the lying, the cheating, you’re telling me that you’re what’s called a protector. Addict says yes, I am a protector. And I’m a reactive protector. I react. I could react. I react. I’m not mindful. I’m not intentional. I’m arguably … Most parts of me aren’t healthy. Yet, I am a protector. And I’ve been serving in that protective role, me, addict now, since Craig was a child.

And so if you are protecting that means you have good intentions. You’re trying to help in some capacity. Yes. You’re trying to help in the manner in which you were trained. Yes. You want what’s best for Craig. Yes. Well, maybe it’s not such a great idea to want to kill and destroy this part of me. Duh. Well, listen.f I’ve done a lot of therapy over the years and no one framed it for me that way until about nine, seven years ago, his … Forget about the history.

So this addict part of you, this part that you hate, you need to understand that how you feel towards this part of you is not just part of the problem, it is the problem, and it is making things worse. So remember earlier we talked about how do you feel toward this addict part of you? I hate him. I want to destroy him. I want to kill him. Well, you also heard where this part came from. This part came from some childhood … significant childhood trauma. And if you didn’t have childhood trauma, you add pain. If you’re listening, we’ve all experienced pain. Our reactive protectors are born in response to this pain.

So if you’re listening and you’ve got an … If you’re listening, you have an addict part. Some great comments in the chat. Jewel’s addict part help him cope with being bored, about being physically abused, emotionally, sexually, and other stressful situations. This addict part is trying to help. And if you want to kill and destroy your addict part, the way to do it … Does anybody know the punchline? How you do it? What do you do for this part of you that is responsible for ruining your life? Love the ever living shit out of this part of you. Love your addict, because that’s essentially saying love yourself.

Learn about this part of you. Understand where this part of you came from. Get a deep and solid understanding of the role that this addict part is playing in your life. Understand his job description, understand his roles, or her, too, roles and responsibilities. And I know you partners who are listening to this podcast, you have your reactive protectors, rage, anger, insecurity, not good enough. We all have what are called, in the IFS model, these reactive protectors are called firefighters. Firefighters. And on their surface, they’re called firefighters because they awaken in an emergency. Too much pain. Boom, knock down the door, act out. Numb, cope, and escape. Here I am. Let’s do this. Addict’s in town. Addict’s now in charge.

When you learn … And listen, for those of you who have disease-ified this part of you, I encourage you to reflect on that reality and on the impact of that reality. Question everything, including everything that I am telling you. Be skeptical. Do your homework. Research sub personalities. Not split personalities, sub personalities. Research the Internal Family Systems model and see that it is certified as an evidence based treatment philosophy. Do you know how much money it costs to get that done and the tests that have to be commissioned to make that happen? Well beyond the budget of The Mindful Habit System. Well beyond the budget. But this IFS is an evidence based certified treatment modality that I believe is going to change the face of addiction.

Great reference from Rob in the chat, the book No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz. Read the book No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz. In that book, and like what we talked about today, you will learn the nature of these protective parts, these addict parts, this addict part of you that you have demonized. A lot of my spiritual brothers have demonized this part of themselves. This part of me is the devil. You not loving this part of you is a devil. I’ll go there with you. I’ll go there with you. But I respectfully disagree. This part of you is not the devil. The lack of love that you have for this part of yourself, well, that’s where the devil creeps in.

Now, listen, this is a secular program. I work with a lot of spiritual men. I take great pride in helping my secular brothers, my nonsecular brothers. And where the demonization of this part is worse is typically for men of faith. They have demonized this addict part of themselves. They hate this part of themselves. They want to destroy this part of themselves. They want to kill this part of themselves, until they realize that how they feel towards this part is ultimately how they feel towards themselves. And because you will always lose in a fight with yourself, the solution isn’t more disease, more demonization, more hatred, more anger, more vitriol. It is love. It is …

Now, how you do that, we’ll talk about that in other podcasts. And we talk a lot about that in the program, how to operationalize. See, because there’s the other mistake a lot of people make, even in doing this parts work. They have this awakening. They realize that this part that they’ve demonized, and disease-ified, and shamed is actually making things worse. They learn, oh my God, I can’t believe it. This part is trying to serve a purpose. This part is trying to meet a need. I can’t believe it. I’m so … Oh my … It feels cathartic. I know where this addict part came from. I’ve studied and reflected on the wounds that this addict part was trying to protect me from as a child. I cried. It was the most powerful experience of my life.

And that’s the mistake people make. They stop there. Because loving your addict part is not a one time event. Your addict part is union and tenured. What that means is that your addict part is not going away. How you see this part of yourself, and what you call this part of yourself, and how you treat this part of yourself will change dramatically. Will change dramatically. Okay? That is true. That will happen. How it changes is through loving this part of you, this protecting part of you, this part of you that is trying to serve a purpose, trying to help you emotionally and physically regulate, trying to give you an escape, trying to give you some pleasure, trying to give you some control over a life that you’ve lost control over, trying to give you significance. If you’re physically cheating, the puff off the significance crack pipe, or numbing and escaping from the profound lack of significance that you feel.

So we’re going to talk about this in another podcast, but the way to kill and destroy this demonized disease-ified addict part of you is to love it. Love it, love it, love it. And practice looking in the mirror. Addict, I love you. Now, listen, there’s a conversation that happens. This isn’t a one time event. Okay? This intellectual awareness around the role and nature of this part, and the role that this part is playing in your life, that’s a process. That’s a process. What I hope you take from this broadcast is that you can’t kill and destroy this addict part. Not in the way you want to do it. Not in the way your mind might be thinking of doing it. Not like Metallica, searching, seek and destroy. Seek and destroy this part of you. Hunt it down, bury it, stab it, kill it, throw it away. Excise this disease from your soul. Excise this disease from your body. Those belief systems are making it worse.

So I am here to tell you, if you want to quote, unquote, kill and destroy that addict part of you, it ain’t going to work. The way to get control over this part. The way to change your relationship with this part, the way to retrain this part so it serves you, so it becomes like a risk management system, it becomes an alert indicator … Hey, addict part, whenever I’m under a lot of stress, whenever I’m afraid … which is just what stress and anxiety is, are fear, right? Whenever I feel stress, anxiety, also known as fear, whenever I feel a boundary being crossed, whenever I’m in pain and I need something, you’re going to hit me real hard in the punch in the face with some crazy trigger. Okay?

And when I get that trigger to do something absolutely ridiculous and preposterous, considering the seat that I sit in today, I’m going to use you as a needs indicator. Your addict becomes your needs indicator. You befriend this addict part of you. You repurpose this part of you. You reclaim this part of you, and you do it through love. You do it through love. And that can only come by understanding where this part came from. That’s a big topic in therapy called family of origin. But likely not from this perspective. You’re not going to get this perspective unless you are working with someone familiar with the Internal Family Systems model. And this model is going to … is changing the face of psychology because of this reason, like what we’re talking about right here.

Wait a minute. The way to kill, destroy this part is to love it? This part is trying to serve a purpose? This part is trying to meet a need? All these broken wounded parts of me are actually trying to accomplish something? Yes. Yes. So you mean to tell me, Craig, that my defensive part, my angry part, my abandoned part, Craig, my liar part, you mean to tell me that my liar part is trying to serve a purpose and protect? This is ridiculous, Craig. My sabotage part, the part of me that procrastinates, the addict, I already mentioned him. The part of me that feels like a piece of shit, the resentment part. Oh my God. That resentment part is going crazy in me. The perfectionist part.

What about the just one more time part? What about fuck it guy? Brothers, sisters, your insecure part, you’re not good enough part. Every single part that I just mentioned on my list of parts … We made this list in the group program, and all these parts are trying to serve a purpose or trying to meet needs, and doing it in a way that is really making a mess of your life, is making it worse. And you need to understand that reality. And one great book to explore that reality is a book called No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz. It’ll change you. That insecure part, that piece of shit part. Someone in the chat asked if I’m really broadcasting this live. Yes I am. I’m broadcasting this on Monday, April 25th, 2022, 10:55 AM Pacific time.

So, takeaways. One, reflect on how you feel about your addict part. Number two, reflect on the job that your addict part is doing. Number three, reflect on what job would this part rather do? If this part of you got a makeover … Can’t you imagine a TV show? I don’t know how they’d do it. They couldn’t. Maybe it’d have to be animated. But the addict gets a makeover. The addict part gets a makeover. You get some nice clothes. And this is in your visualization. You picture this part of you as a protector. He’s proud, his shoulders are back. He’s been getting beaten up for so, so, so, so, so long. He is in pain, and he is suffering, and he needs your compassion. He needs your love. Visualize what this part looks like in his new or her new role. Because I promise you this. I promise you this. You will always lose in a fight against yourself.

How you feel about this addict part of you is ultimately how you … about yourself. Killing it, destroying it, shitting all over it, abusing it, is not, is not going to work. In fact, it’s going to keep you stuck. And dare I say, disease-ifying this part also has, I believe, significant ramifications for some people. Many people, right? Well, some, and most … Well, many … Many. I was one of those people. All right. So it is time, brothers and sisters, for me to wrap up today. Don’t have any time to take questions. Please subscribe to this channel. So you get notified of when I appear live. We’re actually going to be bringing on some guests in the future, and I look forward to doing that.

In closing … Oh, and also, guys, if you go to the website and check out the core training, if you use the coupon podcast, I want to give you 35% off. I know a lot of people are struggling. And I know so many of you wonderful men and women are listening to this podcast. And if the core training program was a little more attractive, I got some feedback recently that a whole bunch of people would’ve been able to do it. So I gave this podcast … I gave this discount to them. The coupon code is podcast. And if you have any problems, email support@TheMindfulHabit.com. That’ll get you 35% off the entire core training program.

It is a 16 week training. You’ll have access to a coach. George morning, who works for me, was trained by me, someone you can ask questions. And you get a 30 day unconditional money back guarantee. All right? So check that out. Visit the website, www.TheMindfulHabit.com. Under programs, check out the core training program. Enter in the coupon code podcast, and you will save 35%. All right? Thank you so much for listening. Make it great. Embrace your power of choice. Feed the right wolf inside you. Make it great, brothers and sisters. And please, please, please to remember to love your addict part.

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