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Highlights

  • Craig reflects on news about Donald Trump’s payout to a porn star and a close friend’s arrest
  • How low can our compulsive sexual behavior take us?
  • What risks are we creating in our lives by continuing in our behavior?

The Arrogance of the Sex Addict:

Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels and More

Let’s talk about the arrogance of addict and the risks that we expose ourselves to in order to feed that part of ourselves.

There’s a couple of things that have happened recently: one is in the news and one in my personal life.

Donald Trump, the president of the United States, appears to not that long ago had sex with a porn star back, carried on a relationship for a period of time and then paid out a large amount of money to shut her up.

He thought that would make it go away. He’s a powerful man. That’s what you do when you’re a powerful man. You shut it down.

Well, it came out. He offered to pay a porn star and then there’s another affair. We’ve got these lists of affairs that are growing.

When that story broke, at the same time, a close friend of mine was recently arrested, busted in a sting for trying to have sex with a 12-year-old girl.

How Low Can We Go?

How low do you have to go before you realize that you need some serious help?

Look how low it took me: sex, drugs, prostitution, losing two jobs.

It always took a crisis for me to get help.

For those of you who are listening who are in that place who are wondering if you have a problem.

Get help now, please.

Don’t let it sink that low.

I talk to guys right after they got out of jail for getting arrested for soliciting a prostitute. I’ve talked to men with the cameras outside their house because the news is there and they want to talk about the story that recently busted.

But, this guy, this old friend found an ad on a website. It was a stepmom presumably advertising sex with her and her daughter.

Here’s the good news. There was never a stepmom. There was never a 12-year-old girl in danger, thank God for that.

It was a sting.

He was being set up from the beginning.

This is an intelligent man. This is a smart man.

They released some of the messages and he asked, “this isn’t a sting, is it?”

 

What Are You Risking?

Stop right now and reflect: what risks are you creating in your life?

You’re engaging in behavior that you don’t want to do, so what risks are those creating?

For some of you it’s reputational risk, right? You get caught cheating there’s an impact to your reputation.

There’s a rick of major impact to the family. There’s a divorce so there’s also a financial component to that risk, right?

What are the risks?

Are you engaging in behavior that can get you arrested?

Are you engaging in behavior that can get you on the cover of the news to have the press outside your door, in your dentist office because it’s a slow news cycle and they need something to do and they want to talk to the dentist who just was arrested for soliciting a prostitute?

Think about that.

Think about what that feels like when you’re in that moment.

Many of you have gotten caught. Maybe you got caught looking at porn. Maybe you got caught texting somebody that you shouldn’t have been texting.

Remember that feeling. Remember how low it felt.

I just think to myself the shame of when it finally just blew up in my face. The shame of being caught.

It felt so bad.

It also felt like it was a relief.

A lot of guys report that they’re glad that their partners caught them, but that’s putting your recovery on them.

If you’re glad that you got caught, well, think of the harm that getting caught did to your partner, to the mother of your children, to the person you’ve pledged to protect.

If you’re breaking the law, if you’re soliciting prostitutes, if you’re going to massage parlors, if you’re on the internet looking at things that you shouldn’t be looking, think of what happens when you hear knocking on the door, “This is the police, open up,” or you’re in the room, getting ready to do your thing and then out comes a badge.

I try to think about that and I try to get my clients to think about that because it’s important for us to manage the risks that we’re creating in our lives. And if we’re doing something stupid, if we’re doing something that is totally can ruin our lives, then you’ve got to stop.

We need to control it or it will control us. This part of us is powerful.

It must be nurtured.

It must be honored and it must be respected.

If you’re not respecting that part of you, then that part of you is running amuck and it is doing things that can really screw up your life.

Are you engaging in behavior that can get you arrested?

If you are, then stop.

Get help.

Do something.

Call a therapist.

Call me.

Call one of my Mindful Habit Coaches.

I love being able to take the worst thing that ever happened to me to help people. I think how lucky I was that I never got arrested.

 

The Arrogance in Us All

Think about Donald Trump.

Did you ever think that he would have thought that this story would be breaking in 2018?

Probably not.

Because there’s an arrogance.

There’s an arrogance that we possess that says, not me. I’m not going to get caught.

Think of the rationalizations. Write them down. Get a piece of notebook paper. Write down all the rationalizations that you have for the behavior that you’re engaging in.

Then look at those rationalizations and think about the real risks and ask yourself, is it worth it?

In my experience, the answer is unequivocally, no.

The Donald Trump thing with Stormy Daniels, my friend getting arrested, just really had me looking back at my life and thinking about all the risks that I took.

I got lucky. I only lost two jobs and almost lost my wife and kids and tried to kill myself.

I got lucky. I didn’t get arrested.

That changes things. It makes it so much harder to come back.

But listen, those guys who get cuffed and stuff, they can come back. I know they come back because I’ve worked with them to come back. They get new jobs. They get better jobs sometimes, but they’re healthy. They’re happy. They’ve created healthy sexuality and a great life.

That has to be your destination. If you’re not moving towards that destination then you are moving away from it. You need the healthy sexuality and you need the great life to maintain that healthy sexuality.

That great life means that you are unequivocally loving yourself as best as you possibly can. So much of this is from lack of love for self.

So, I want you to think about your addict. How arrogant is he? What lies has he told you to keep you doing what it is you’re doing?

Busted for Sexting a Minor: An Interview with Joshua Shea

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